Ashu’s story was unimaginable, but sadly true; a type of Cinder-fella story. After two weeks of procrastination, he finally showed up at my house to tell me his story. Now I understand why it took him so long to come; it was a matter of courage —facing the truth. As he unfolded his life, he was once again confronted by his family, the battle scars opened again, the anger and the unanswerable questions were rebirthed. But at the end I heard a story he had never told. Now I stood with him like a friend, a witness who shared his secrets, his private life. At last, he finished and reclined on the couch; “I feel so light.” That was the final line of his story.
I was glad he told me his story, but now he’s opened up and shares his own stories. He enjoys writing his thoughts and recently commented that he’d never written a poem. So here it is; a poem. Perhaps better categorized as a thought poem.
The poem describes one of the lowest times of his life; and there were many of them. Perhaps this was the climax —the end result of so many lows. Again, and again, he’d climb the stairs to reach the third floor; from there he’d look down and wonder if he’d ever have the courage to die… or, ever have the courage to live?
Ashu’s poem title is accurate: Me (first) Suicide (in the middle) and God (last). His me first attitude and God last, led to the horrible middle section: suicide. Ashu’s right; suicide becomes an easy compromise. It’s an appropriate warning; who has first place? Listen deeply. The following, in italics, is from Ashu. His thoughts are quite loud. It’s Ashu’s heart; his poem; his story —told by Ashu.
This poem is about a thought…
A though that everyone of us go through at least once in our life.
This thought comes to all of us, rich or poor, strong or weak, black or white, you and me. And this is how I dealt with it, when it came my way!!!
ME, SUICIDE AND GOD
I believe this all happened when I was about to complete my twelfth grade. I remember complaining about it all as it did not feel like a fair trade.
It was because I was hiding and carrying so much that I was afraid to have a raid. I did not talk to anyone about what I was going through as I feared I might just get betrayed.
It was never that I did not have people around me who were trustworthy.
But the main reason was that the Devil convinced me to believe that my life was not worthy.
I remember I went so deep into those beliefs that I forgot to even ask myself “Am I being deceived?”
I remember going, three months in a row to a roof, and looking down from there, and feeling that I was being seized.
By now the very word suicide made me feel like I was being teased and by the time I realised what was happening it had turned into a dreadful disease.
I remember all my physical pain, mental strain, abusive past, and spiritual drain Came down on and in me like a disastrous thunderstorm and acid rain.
But despite all the dark and suicidal thoughts I had, there was always a second deep voice in me that was full of love and said ” son just get on your knees”.
So, to be honest I did take some more time before I got on my knees. And then I made a loud cry still keeping in mind that no one should be nearby. And then I said those magic words “God, please”.
To this plead God took no time and guaranteed. And said, as long as you believe that you have a heavenly Father you are no longer gonna’ feel that you are frozen and seized.
I started to do what God wanted me to, but many a time I still hesitated.
And that’s when all the negative thoughts came in and made me think ” I was better off separated.”
And then I would restart and ask God ” how do I relate?” And to this God said, son, I am proud of you and I might just end up giving you a degree in spiritual debate.
And when I was still in a debate, I asked a question “God what about my dark and painful background?”.
And on hearing this he said, “son I am the best Painter and I know how to use the darkest background to set off the most amazing foreground.”
And then he went on and said what I’m giving you is not just imparting information. But that and a new transformation. And to all that God has promised me, I today testify that he has changed all my bitterness into victory.
And now even when I walk into a cloudy day. I try my best to listen and sing to God as I wend my way.
Love you, Jesus!!!