If I Die Tonight

A devastating thought clogged my head…

by Ashutosh Pandey

I was having a hard weekend and on top of that I was tired of acting how the people around me expected me to. I didn’t want to smile. I didn’t want to talk about God to anyone. I saw no fruit coming out of doing so. I was tired of being “right” and just wanted to be “real.”

Lying on my bed thoughts spewed forth like a word processor. And to be honest, I wanted to write. But I wanted to write something as negative as possible, because that would be me, being “real.”

A storm churned in my sleepless state, I wrote:

I was lying on my bed, trying to rest the heaviest part of my body; my head,
When a seriously devastating thought said “What if in a blink, I’m dead?
Half of me cautioned “Discontinue!” But I still chose to go ahead.
And when I allowed it to dwell, I felt I was clutching a never-ending thread.

In seconds my brain was packed full with questions,
I wasted almost half an hour deciding where to begin.
All the questions had one thing in common:


So, the question began, “What was the biggest sin you did today?”
This was the easiest one, so I hardly did any delay.
To that, I answered, “Disobeying God was one of the ways!”

The second question asked; “Why do our hearts know the truth, but our mind plays games?”
To that I answered, “It usually happens when I don’t have a defined aim.
Instead of doing the will of my God, I work to benefit my temporary frame.”

As the dialogue continued and the temperature rose, I countered back, “Why can’t happiness be bought from money?”
Tongue in cheek, God replied, “Some people are so broke, all they have is money.”
My heart, in dissatisfaction, continued to dispute. “God, I follow you, but where is fruit?”

God sighed and replied, (with a gentle rebuke)
“Son, if you want an answer, you might have to mute.”
I stopped computing and listened intently.

“Son, you bend towards me for only a second. Where are your roots?
I made you a true solution but you’ve made yourself dilute.
If you want to see the fruits, let me delete all things that pollute.”

Hearing this I said, “God I’m ready for reboot”.
Then appeared the million-dollar question;
“What if someone else knocks me into a hole? God, you can’t blame me when I had no control!”

To this, he said, “It’s no crime to be knocked down, but a sin if you don’t get up! 
Half empty or half full, soft knock or hard knock;
Do you think life is dished out, just ad hoc?”

Reluctant to sleep I made a last plea,
“God give me something strong, I need to hold on!”
To this God said “Open up to chapter three, verse sixteen in John.”

After reading, I thanked God for the eternal invite
And said, God it’s okay now IF I DIE TONIGHT.
Now I understand I’m cleansed by your blood, so from today on,
I choose to be REAL rather than right.

The day when my heart starts to turn cold, God, help me rejoice,
For I know you are turning this molten heart into solid gold.

I ended my writing and was surprised when I read what I’d wrote!
I couldn’t find anything negative in it. Then I remembered that I’m created in God’s image,
and when he made me, it was GOOD; negatives never make a POSITIVE.

And that is my reality.
He reminded me that my works don’t define me.
Instead, I’m the person who’s defined by the blood of Christ.

A free invitation is detailed for you (take a look),
John chapter three, verse sixteen (in God’s book).


*Ashutosh Pandey is an inspirational writer (and studying to teach Math).

Check the story menu:

Me, God and Suicide

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