In October, 2020, I was rolling downhill fast, heading towards crippledom, which unsurprisingly threw me into a well of deep life-review. Now, at the end of that long year, I am still immobile; that is, unable to walk normally or even sit for long or carry forth with normal daily activities. Thus, a review ensued of what a human “being” is. Was my worth as a person was at stake because I couldn’t “do?” Why is to be so often linked with —to do? I mused… if to be is the stage when people get old and retire, then, to be means notto do. A rather sad deduction.
The year 2021 landed me in an unwanted state of retirement, and like those who retire, I felt their feelings —the seeming end of usefulness, and sought answers to questions on thoughts of “worth.” Placing my head on a shelf like a showcase (my humongous neck-collar) showed people cared, people helped because of the strangeness of my collar. Some stare, some pity, many will just care. It’s easy to quickly become your own enemy and turn against yourself, suddenly entertaining feelings of meaninglessness in life without doing. Where is worth and joy hiding in being?
It took a while for me to understand that I don’t need to make excuses for my inabilities, God created me, and loves me how I am. Nevertheless, I had to take God’s word for it … and simply believe. (Ha! “Believe!” God makes it all so simple!) As always, I’m reminded again and again, and again, that God loves me squarely, consistently, the way that I am.
I dared to be in relationship —a relationship that really wasn’t equal. I mean, God is God, the Almighty, Lord of all… and me? Not just mortal, but an invalid… unable “to do.” It’s like a husband and wife, the example God himself chooses to use: for better for worse, until death do us part. So, in my relationship, I had to trust that the commitment God made to me was just that. He was not going to be unfaithful, and if He felt like I wasn’t “doing” my part, well He just better strike me with healing and create the new body parts I need. So, yes, God was willing to love me just the way I am… and be there beside me serving as a crutch. Me, the sheep, Him, the shepherd, we walk together. We become one. I’m no longer take centre stage, A relationship with the Almighty! What a thought!
In marriage you have a best friend. Careful about being distracted and down-right rude when talking to God. I’ve learned that walking with God is nothing short of a daily work of art, an intentional effort, and a growing relationship. Visual, touchable aids are helpful to the human. Just like we talk to God, we need to talk to each other. Love your neighbour as you love yourself. It’s very practical and probably will do you more good than your neighbour. Life is limited to years; eternity is around the corner. I’m not morbid, or depressed… just trying to come through this well.
Writing is my way into the world that moves on, when I physically can’t. Singing with my rusty old feeble-sounding voice, is far from melodious… it’s just the way I share thoughts (like an audible diary). If you hear some creaking in the song, it’s not my knees. I couldn’t hold up my guitar long enough so I rested it on a dresser-drawer. Between the wooden drawer and wooden guitar, a creak snuck in. Because God loves me, I’m worth it. I rest my case. (Even though I do “stuff” over and over and over again.)
One day, I was praying… this is what happened… as it usually does… I confess. But he still loves me. We both know who I am; the sheep who needs the shepherd.
Morning Meltdown Meeting
I will love you today, in the biggest way…
When I think of you, I know this is true….
that a day doesn’t pass… when my thoughts of you aren’t blessed ….
not a day will slip away without thinking of you….
I just feel that dread when my head bowed in prayer
And realize my minds somewhere else…. I’m
nowhere near …. I’m no longer here
…. I cry out… I’m sorry Lord,
why would I miss a moment with you? …
it makes no sense…
I end up doing it
over and over and over again.
when you drank from that cup …. overflowing with your love ….
you drank it all and poured yourself out
when you thought of us. Lord….,
I love your love.